FEELING VULNERABLE

September 23, 2010

FEELING VULNERABLE

There are times when, for me, the habit of doubting kicks in. This is one of those periods for me. When I share what is going on inside of me in such emotionally and mentally intimate ways, I sometimes feel very vulnerable. I ask myself questions like: For what purpose am I doing this? Is doing this kind of expressing/sharing helpful? Am I just on some kind of weird distorted ego head trip?. Is anyone reading what I share? Is there any value in doing this? and on and on.

I have always been this way, wide open, honest with myself and others, [ does not mean I am not in deep ignorance though.] I can be very honest in a totally wasteful and useless way.What is it that is being honest? Is it the personality false idea of self? I have felt a lot of disillusionment over the years from my habit of being so open and honest; sometimes brutally so.

Who am I to share about unfolding truth, as I see it, when I am non Being/expressing a divine state myself, in the least. My health is toast, I walk in an unstable and rickety way. A friend used the word 'feeble' recently when we were working together assembling a bed. He was right. Something is happening with legs that seems to be removing strength and ease and coordinated movement. I do not want to face my Dr. as he does not know I did not take prescribed pills. Lots of doubting and related fear moving in me at this time. A friend believes I 'hate' Dr's. but this is not so. I do not trust the pharmaceutical industry.

I believe there is a 'perfect' physical self already existing, for all of us. A physical self where every atom, cell, organ and all systems work absolutely perfectly, even on the atomic or smaller particle scale. Perfect harmony prevails. It is the Christ or Buddha self. Actually those words/names do not matter. We could call our perfect self Fred if we wanted to. It would not make any difference.

Our perfect form already exists. Most of us, as yet, are just not perceiving our own or others perfect form. Most of us, including me of course, are not perceiving ourselves that way. Our perception has been twisted and torqued by our individual and collective mindsets to 'see' disease, decay, death and all the others kinds and appearances of 'corruption'. We believe those corrupted perceptions are 'real'. Everything in us has been taught to believe they are real and actually happening. They are not really happening. They are no more real that the images produced by a TV set or movie screen. They only appear to be happening in this 3 dimensional experience. Most everyone will absolutely insist that the appearances of sickness and decay is totally real. For most it is impossible that it could be any other way. The mesmeric and hypnotic trance state has been locked in place, in and for all humanity, for eons of 'time'. The memory of our perfect already existing physical form if so deeply repressed and forgotten it is as if it is non-existent; yet it is always present and available for us. All we need to do, to remember it experientially, is abandon our commitment and convictions in what is not real.

We have been programmed by forces outside of our sensed self, as well as by self, to believe in and support these beliefs. It has become deeply entrenched in our individual minds and our collective unified mind. We have believed that healing is a process of 'fixing' the disease parts or systems. We have come to believe that medicines, most of which are poisons, [ side effects] is the way to fix things. Kill the disease is the prevalent attitude. The very idea and concept of 'kill/killing is an impossibility as our conscious awareness of 'existing' cannot die/end. This is so whether we like it or not. We cannot choose if we exist or not. We do, period, and always will.

We use poisons to kill poisons. From my perspective there is lots of craziness involved. There is nothing that needs fixing. Our perfect form already is. It shows up when we abandon our convictions and beliefs in disease and decay as being something 'real'. They are meaningless illusions. We can do this by opening our mind, even by just a little bit. Maybe I am forever; I wonder if that is true. If it is I want to know the Truth of it. That much of an opening will cause, particularly at this time in our history, a movement within in that individual, designed by infinite intelligence and capability, to bring the Truth to that individuals conscious awareness in the most appropriate way possible. For me it was out of body and lucid/conscious dream experiences over 40 years ago. Anyone who has had a real out of body experience will vouch for the 'huge' affect it has on ones awareness.

So here I am, believing the above while showing lots of the illusory appearances of disease and decay. A part of me says I need embody these truths and BE them before sharing or speaking about them. There in lies the room for doubt and doubting. Tis all like walking through a mind field. Kind of tired of the trip. I am ready to jump off that train now. The question is: How and in what way do I make the leap. To the limited idea of self it can only come up in and around the concept of dying; whereas Spirit seems it as coming out of and waking up from a deep sleep.

Actually it seems no one is reading this blog anyway so my feeling vulnerable is silly.
A good place to end today.